RAViNDU

Learn to say NO

You have just put down the telephone after agreeing to host a welcome dinner for your hus
your house at extremely short notice. You feel angry. You are still recovering from flu, you
visiting and things are hectic. This is the last thing you feel you can deal with right now. Yo
in some way, betrayed yourself. Why on earth did you say yes?
What makes it difficult
"There are many reasons for this", says psychologist, Ilse Terblanche. "Firstly, we are all ta
nice to people, and that often includes agreeing to do things for them, even when it is diffic
us."
"Secondly, we think people will only like us if we are at their beck and call. We are scared t
if we refuse to do what they ask us. Also if we are dependent on others' approval, we are sc
wrath by refusing to do what they ask of us."
"Thirdly, if one has a low self-image, being compliant and bowing down to someone else's w
gaining approval from them, because one feels that inherently one lacks worth."
Learning to say no
"It is a very powerful thing to learn to say no, but it isn't easy," says Terblanche. Often ther
this behaviour pattern has to do with deep-seated perceptions about oneself and relationsh
"Sometimes, in an effort to become more assertive, people can become quite aggressive. T
finding a healthy middle way and it is not very difficult."
Steps you can take
* Ask yourself whether you will be angry with yourself for agreeing to do something once yo
down.
* Say, "Let me think about it". This buys you time and avoids you being pressurised into so
will.
* Partial agreement is a halfway mark. If someone asks you to collect five carloads of stuff
man the stall on the day, you could agree to the one, but not the other. This gets the mess
want to be helpful, but also have other responsibilities.
* Don't feel that you have to make excuses. A simple statement such as , "I am sorry, that
this week," should be quite sufficient.

* Ask yourself if the person asking you a favour would oblige if the situation were reversed.
* Remember that real friends or people who love us, don't always expect us to agree to eve
sometimes say no, it gives them greater freedom to ask, because they know we would not
it was really inconvenient. * If somebody gets angry at us because we say no, they are mo
manipulating us through guilt and our own low sense of self. They have their own controllin
through, over which we have little control.
* Remember the powerful phrase, "I don't think so". It enables you to say no in a non-conf
yet gets the message across that it will not be convenient for you at this point - possibly an
* Ask yourself whether the benefits to the other person will outweigh the inconvenience for
cancel a dentist's appointment you made six months ago to fetch someone's child at the crè
easily have asked someone else, the inconvenience outweighs the benefits.
* Start feeling the benefits and the liberation of saying no. Others might initially be surprise
care about you, will not react negatively to your refusing to be at their beck and call.